Two blogs for the price of 1

The poker is no longer red hot. I still feel a little shitty, but way better than I felt yesterday. I got a great night’s sleep, so that helped. Well I fell asleep around 930 and I woke up at 3. Obviously I was thinking about that girl, and then I got this idea of writing her a text and saying sorry. The more I thought about it, the more I had to do it. So I grabbed my cell and wrote this long text. I didn’t send it though, sending a text at 3 am, she’d prolly call the cops. Anyhoo, I don’t think I’m gonna send it. I really don’t feel like I have anything to apologize for. I feel like I was the one who was being mistreated, strung along, etc. I just don’t believe that she was so busy that she couldn’t drop me a text or a call and check in. Any woman who was remotely interested, would have. We went on a date and haven’t spoken since. That was a month ago. I just don’t think there’s anything there, and what was there kinda got squashed by all the stuff we’ve been going through. I might as well share the text with you all, cuz I don’t think I’m going to send it.

M:

Can you forgive me one late-night ill-conceived text? All I’m guilty of is wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I put you on the spot like that. It was immature. I was just trying to gauge your interest. Probably not wise to do it after drinking rogue ales at a punk show. You nailed it when you said it’s frustrating. The whole crazy mess we are going through is frustrating. I just thought we could help each other through it. If you can talk sometime, let me know.

J

Pretty pathetic. I still have some self dignity left. I better walk with the smidge that remains and try to rebuild with somebody else. I have a couple of prospects. Just nothing compared to this girl, she is smart and way cute. She’ll make somebody happy, or some other sad sack miserable, I can’t decide which.

I’m kinda torn about the whole thing. I like to take something away from these failures, but I’m not sure what to take away from this one. Dr. Love says (OMG how far have I fallen?) that when a girl is interested she lets you know, and why waste your time with a woman who isn’t interested when you can find one that is. I think that is what my punk show buddy was getting at when he suggested I come clean with her. When I told him that it was over he said “Good, now you can devote that energy to something else.” I was talking to my other buddy and his brother at the wake, they basically took the opposite tack. They thought I should’ve waited it out. Knowing what I know now, I would go back and wait it out. No redos on some of these things though. One thing I would take away and I knew this but my judgment was clouded, no ultimatums. There’s no win with an ultimatum. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Give a woman an ultimatum and she’ll walk away every time. Tipsy texting, that’s gotta go, unless I know the woman really well. That’s two potentially good matches that got butchered due to texts. When in doubt, don’t send the text.

Today is really hard. I don’t know why. I haven’t lifted in a couple of days and I lifted today. Maybe that threw off my body chemistry. I’m just feeling this sickening sense of loss. I really feel like I majorly fucked up and I’m pretty pissed at myself about it. I’m also reading Curt Kobain’s diary, and that’s not exactly a feel good read. I’m getting to the point where he’s about to off himself. He’s really in a vicious spiral of pain and drugs. I guess he had some kind of stomach ailment that would make him violently ill for extended periods and in intense pain. He was taking drugs to deal with it. He was on heroine and had to kick a couple of times. Courtney was involved too. I’m thinking that Courtney kinda pushed him into the grave. I hate to say it, but I don’t think she was the right person for him. He definitely had mental issues and throw drugs and alcohol in there and it’s a recipe for disaster.

I’ve got so much crazy stuff going on in my life right now. It’s really a mess. I got an e-mail yesterday from the old punk band that threw me out and wanted to go on tour. I think I mentioned that in a previous blog. Now they want me to play drums with them at this Tea Party event up in BFE somewhere. It’s on Sunday the 12th. I have the kids, so it doesn’t line up. If I didn’t have the kids, I’d probably do it. There’s really no risk. If I suck, then who cares? I practiced the songs for my new band last night. We have a practice tomorrow night and I don’t think I’m going to be able to practice again before then. The songs are really good. Where is my mind, Fake Plastic Trees, Where the streets have no name, Pictures of you. I was only going to go through half the songs, and I ended up going through all of them. I basically played the drums straight through for an hour. That’s a good way to blow off some steam. The songs are not easy, and there are only a few that allow for some rest. In the past, I would’ve needed a nap after Streets, and now I can just roll with it. I guess I’m getting into pretty good shape. Running and lifting, it’s carrying over into other areas, which is cool.

Tomorrow I’ve got the meeting with the guys from Red Tape Theatre. That should be cool. I’m curious to hear what they have to say. Then I have to run and get to band practice by 8. I think the other guys are meeting at 6. Which is kinda weird. I guess I’ll be there at 6 next Thursday. So tomorrow is going to be busy and then I’m going to the ND game this Saturday, so that should be fun. I’m going to miss M though, which kinda stinks. I’ll have to DVR the M Game. I’ll be at the M game the next week though cuz they are playing ND. Rock on. That should be fun. That’s about it. I’m just not inspired today.