Rapid hope loss

I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I’m going to be at work for 12 hours today. I guess I have some time to make up, so it’s no big deal, but umm it’s gonna be a long day. I got out the door at about 555, and I was in Chicago by 630, that’s nutty fast. It seems like the construction is on hold for a while, maybe because of the taste, and maybe people left town early for the 4th of july and they’re up at their summer homes. You don’t hear this too often, but my commute was too short. I could’ve used some more tunes and chill time in the car.



I was thinking a lot about hope on my drive in. Mostly because of the online dating thing. It’s like when you’re married, there’s basically no hope. Sorry to those married people out there. I guess I should say if you are in an unhappy marriage, there’s no hope. I really think there are people out there who are happily married, I can’t think of any right now. Well my parents, but they’re old. I know a lot of people with workable marriages, and I think that’s the best most people can hope for. You have your stuff, she has hers. When you’re together, it’s good, you’re happy, you get along. When you are apart, it’s nice, it’s refreshing. The sex is good. Anyway, this wasn’t supposed to be a diatribe on Marriage, it was about hope. I need to learn to couch my hope a little. Tone it down. Especially when it comes to women and dating. When I talk to people about it, like my bro or my bud, they have the attitude. If you don’t know the attitude, it’s from fast times at ridgemont high. Damone is teaching Rat about women and he says “You gotta have the attitude. The attitude is that you don’t care whether she comes, stays, lays or prays; whatever happens your toes are still tappin’. That’s the attitude.” I don’t have the attitude. I care. I feel like I could say so much more about this, but it’s almost something you can’t describe. Either that, or I just don’t want to go there. It’s not just women either, it’s life. Like I’ve mentioned before, my buddy who doesn’t really have goals in life, and I don’t think he’s on this hope roller coaster like I am. He’s just kinda hangin out. He’s got a good job, and makes good money. He’s got a place and all that. We were talking the other day, and he does have regrets and stuff. Well you know, it’s the grass is always greener scenario. My life is very complicated right now, so I envy the simplicity he’s got going. While he could probably do with a bit more complication and he wishes he had kids and stuff. So today as I was driving in I was kinda thinking it would be nice to have less hope. What a crazy concept. Hope is such a disappointment. There’s the old line, “Don’t get your hopes up.” That’s because you’ll most often be let down. The feeling of hope is so good, it’s like for a second you see clearly, like the song “I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way…” That song perfectly encapsulates hope. When you have no hope, at least you don’t get the bait and switch. At least you know that things suck and you might as well just accept it. When something good happens, it’s a gift, enjoy it, move on. That does not seem like a horrible way to look at things. It’s pragmatic. I’m definitely not pragmatic. I believe in things. I get my hopes up. I get hurt. Then I get up, and I do it again.



I wonder if having too much hope, the roller coaster scenario is just as destructive as being completely hopeless. I’m gonna google hope after I’m done with this and see what people have to say about it. I know what it’s like to feel hopeless too. And that sucks. It sucks to get your hopes up and be disappointed, but to be in the blackhole without hope is probably worse. I’m trying to remember what it’s like and it’s hard to describe. It’s like you don’t feel good about yourself or your life. You feel like you made a mistake that can’t be corrected, and then you dwell on it. Then you look forward and all you see is black. It definitely feeds on itself, because when you feel like you made a mistake, you feel like…a failure. That feeling clouds your opinion of yourself. It makes you project that failing into the future, which crushes all your dreams. I’ve certainly lazed around and felt sorry for myself, but some people can’t even get out of bed. They are being crushed by this hopelessness. Severe depression. When I think about it like what I just described, I can’t picture a pill fixing it. I’m not a big fan of pharmacology. I’m not a psycho, I take medicine when it’s prescribed and all that. I really have a problem with medicine that changes who you are though. That scares me. The idea of not being me anymore scares me, it always has. I’d rather deal with my shortcomings than take a pill and have a perma-smile plastered on my face. It’s a tough call, some people really need it just to function. People with severe anxiety, they probably need something. I feel like there is an answer to this and it’s just on the tip of my brain. The whole hope vs. nope. I’m going to call it nope. That is the middle ground between hope and despair. Some people are hopeful, they have dreams that aren’t realized, they get excited about things that don’t pan out and then they do it again. I’m in that category. Then there are people who say nope, you can’t make me care, I’m not going to get too up or too down, I’m just going to stay on the moving sidewalk and see where I end up. Then there are people who despair, who have no hope and feel like they’re on a downward spiral into oblivion. If you are in that category, please get help.



I guess I was due for a more philosophical blog, and that was it. I can’t really think of a way to wrap it up. It’s like in Monty Python’s the meaning of life when the waiter walks across the country to show the house where he was born. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzlCdWwYn2I